by Clayton and Ashlee Hurst
(Clayton and Ashlee Hurst’s book Hope For Your Marriage is available now wherever good books are sold!)
When we conduct pre-marital counseling with engaged couples we always have them fill out a survey to analyze their expectations of marriage. One question that is asked is how many times do they anticipate having sex in a week. The women typically put once or twice a week, the men typically put once or twice a day. For woman, we have found that sex for her is a very emotional connection, while for men it is much more physical.
Let’s be honest 90% of men are ready anytime, anywhere to have great sex. Men are like microwave ovens quick and ready in seconds. Women are like crockpots. They sometimes need all day to be in the right frame of mind and mood. Men can have the worst day ever at work and his wife can walk in the room and give him the “let’s get it on” look and he can switch gears instantly. A woman on the other hand can have a terrible day and it will take many foot rubs and hugs and telling her it’s going to be ok and maybe….maybe she will be ready. So after 21 years of marriage here is our best 5 hacks for keeping the romance strong and having the best night of your life.
- Talk about your sex life.
If you aren’t talking about your sex life you probably aren’t having a great sex life. That’s where we were many years into our marriage. I (Ashlee) had some deep hurts and regrets from her past that I was too embarrassed and fearful to share with Clayton. That put was a stronghold in my life that hurt the intimacy in our marriage. When I finally opened up and talked about it our relationship became stronger thus our intimacy went deeper. We also shared how we both like to be romanced and things we didn’t much care for in the bedroom. When we began to discuss how to meet each other’s needs our own needs were met in the process.
- Spoil each other in your love language everyday.
Invest in your marriage by reading books to help your relationship. Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages is a marriage ‘game changer’. When you read the book and take the test you will find how you and your spouse receive love. This is GOLD! Husbands especially…when you know your wife’s love language and start spoiling her in it when you wake up in the morning then you may be one load of laundry away from the night of your life!
- Honor your husband in everything
Honor is so important to a man. The words we say to our husbands are everything to him. Someone else can mock him, and he can usually recover, but if his wife ridicules him it can be destructive. There was a time when I (Ashlee) did not want to honor Clayton. I didn’t feel like he deserved it. But the Lord spoke to my heart one day and said, “You need to honor your husband at the place you want him to be and not where he is at right now.” When I did that he started recognizing it and it made him want to treat me better. Another way I honored him was to plan out what day we would be intimate together. His drive is much stronger than mine, so sometimes I have to consciously remember to plan that day or days out during our week. When you have three kids with ages ranging from 2 to 17 you have these romantic moments.
- Security is her everything
The number 1 need of every woman is security. Every kind of security you can imagine like emotional, physical, financial , and psychological. I (Clayton) realized that as her husband, I was responsible for her self esteem, and I also held the keys to strengthen her security in all of these areas. She will ultimately get her security from God, but many times He uses husbands to help solidify it within her. Never let a day go by that you haven’t told her how beautiful she is. Also, never let a day go by that you haven’t answered her questions. When she says how was your day she wants details, not just a “good” as your answer. When your wife knows that you only have eyes for her and your care enough to tell her what is going on in your life, it brings peace to her mind and security to her heart that only you can give her.
- Don’t stop wooing each other
Husbands, remember back in the day when you were pursuing the girl that is now your wife? Maybe you would call her and stay on the phone for hours, or perhaps you planned out elaborate dates, or maybe you wrote her songs/poetry. Whatever you did to woo her don’t stop. Wives, remember those days when you put on your cutest outfit and wanted to look your best for your date? Just because you are married doesn’t mean the pursuit is finished. No way! It will continue until one of you draws your last breath. Your spouse will know their worth by the passion of your pursuit. We recommend weekly date nights. Budget for it, schedule that babysitter, and have that romantic date. Then go home to have the best night of your life…well if your 17 year old finally goes to bed and your 2 year old doesn’t wake up during the night. (LOL!)